Well it's been, what, a month? It's probably time for another post...
A few really great things have happened in this past month. Let's do some re-cap. I got a calling in my church ward. I am a co-coordinator for Family Home Evening. Incase you don't know, Family Home Evening is an activity held weekly as a way to keep families or loved ones involved in each other's lives. Sometimes a religious lesson is prepared, but it's really just a way to get together during the week. So, my calling is to organize the activities that happen weekly. It's a fairly big responsibility, but I have done it before and I am excited to stay connected with the ward that I am in.
The other thing that has happened is that I started a new job this week. I work at the Testing Center at UVU. I love it. I think it's such a great opportunity for me. It'll give me an opportunity to improve and be more responsible. I need that!
There isn't anything else to add, re-cap/events-wise. I have learned a lot about myself and how I need to structure my life. I am trying to learn how to be successful, which seemed really easy at first. As a missionary it was so easy to follow the schedule..or at least understand why I needed to. After I got it down, it was easy...I guess I kind of just solved my own dilemma: things take time. But I thought that because I already learned how to manage my time and plan out my days on the mission that it would be just as simple once I got home. It isn't. It's still a process. I'm willing to learn though and I guess that's really all that matters. I just need to keep trying.
When it comes down to it, life is really just one day on repeat. Maybe things change, new things come into play, other things leave. It just keeps going: wake up, pray, eat, work, study, friends, get ready for bed, pray, sleep, repeat. So if that's all it really is, why isn't planning it out easier?
I don't know. I guess I don't have any great revelation to share this time. I wish I did, because then I could give that same advice to myself ha! Oh well, life is a process. It's about learning and improving and to giving up. If I can just keep on, each day, I should be fine, right?
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Companions: Friends for Eternity
One of the many blessings that come from serving a mission is the bond that companions have. In my heart of hearts, I believe that companions are not just put together by accident. I honestly believe that our relationship as companions began before this life and is just brought to pass during our time in the mission field. I had some amazing times with each of my companions, and it was often confirmed to me that the "before-this-life friendship" was real.
I trained in my very last 2 transfers. If you read my blog while I was out in the field, then you already know about Sorella Hailey Stott. She is amazing. She's about a year into the mission and she is doing such great stuff. She is currently serving in Collegno, a small town outside of Torino of the West coast of the country. We served together in Bologna, then she was transferred to Genova (I was there from October 2013-April 2014). Now at Collegno, Sorella Stott is taking part in a lot of finding work. That's honestly the hardest part of missionary work, if you ask me, but I have faith that she is doing all that she can.
I try to e-mail her every week. I'm not perfect at it, but I make sure I get something to her whenever I can. I sent her an e-mail this past week, it was actually a copy of an e-mail that I sent home (it's here on the blog.) I was telling my family about her and trying to "introduce" them to her. I felt that would be something nice to send to her, so I added that. I got the sweetest response:
I don't post this because I want people to think I was great. I needed to hear this - it was a tender mercy really. Often times, I think missionaries struggle with thinking that they have done enough. We tend to criticize ourselves and that can be really hard, even after the mission. I honestly believe that the Lord accepted my service and is proud of what I accomplished with His help. However, I needed that reminder that I was really doing what I needed to. The fact that someone else noticed a small part of my missionary attitude was really nice for me. I felt that I just walked in and out of the mission, making a difference only in my own life. It was really nice to see that I was remembered. It just feels good!
Heavenly Father has been blessing me with little reminders ever since I moved out to Utah. Every day I feel of His love and I can see His hand in my life. I'm trying to follow His guidance and do all I need to do so that I can make a difference still.
It's a long road that we are on, but with time, patience, and diligence it'll be worth every step taken in the right direction.
I trained in my very last 2 transfers. If you read my blog while I was out in the field, then you already know about Sorella Hailey Stott. She is amazing. She's about a year into the mission and she is doing such great stuff. She is currently serving in Collegno, a small town outside of Torino of the West coast of the country. We served together in Bologna, then she was transferred to Genova (I was there from October 2013-April 2014). Now at Collegno, Sorella Stott is taking part in a lot of finding work. That's honestly the hardest part of missionary work, if you ask me, but I have faith that she is doing all that she can.
I try to e-mail her every week. I'm not perfect at it, but I make sure I get something to her whenever I can. I sent her an e-mail this past week, it was actually a copy of an e-mail that I sent home (it's here on the blog.) I was telling my family about her and trying to "introduce" them to her. I felt that would be something nice to send to her, so I added that. I got the sweetest response:
My turn for a story....
So the other day I was talking to my district leader. I don't even remember how, but somehow we got on the subject of what makes a good missionary. He told me this story about how an Anziano in his last city said that one of the BEST missionaries he had even seen in the mission had every city closed that she served in. AND, instead of seeing it as a bad thing, she saw it for what it really was. She had done everything possible in that city and it needed to be closed....
I just started laughing at him and he was like "WHAT???" I was like, "Yeah Anziano, SORELLA CARLOCK was my trainer and she for sure is one of the best missionaries that has ever served here in Italy." :)
Everyday I am reminded just how lucky I was to have you as my teacher in those first 12 weeks. It feels like forever ago, but not a day goes by as a missionary that I dont think about something that my mamma Carlock taught me.
You are pretty awesome, you know that?
And I will never thank you enough for all that you have done for me :)
Heavenly Father has been blessing me with little reminders ever since I moved out to Utah. Every day I feel of His love and I can see His hand in my life. I'm trying to follow His guidance and do all I need to do so that I can make a difference still.
It's a long road that we are on, but with time, patience, and diligence it'll be worth every step taken in the right direction.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Beautiful
I've had some really great experiences since I've moved out to Utah.
I am taking that institute class, Women in the Scriptures, and honestly, it's better than church for me. Every single week, we are taught about our divine worth and potential. We study examples of faith. It has helped me realize that I am capable of more than I thought I was. I can do hard things!
I've never had a high sense of worth; my self-esteem has been pretty low for most of my life. The mission healed me of a lot of those negative feelings. I began to understand that I was like a budding flower: slowly evolving into something beautiful from a bulb that grow out of deep, fertile ground. I began to see myself as a child of God, a loved daughter.
Serving as a missionary is the basis of my commitment to the Gospel. It is my solid ground, the one thing I can look back to to prove that I am capable, that I am strong. Because I chose to do something hard, painful, selfless, and pure I know now that I am a good person.
I've been learning a lot about my self spiritually, so I'm trying to catch up on the physical and emotional aspects of who I am. I've been starting to eat really healthfully and exercising 3 times a week. I'm putting more importance on self-acceptance and self-care, rather than fitting into a impractical, societal mold. This also includes acceptance of my flaws...
Something that I struggle with is not wearing make-up in public. Society believes that a beautiful woman had long, dark eyelashes and a perfect complexion with perfect teeth, blah blah blah. No one lives up to these expectations because humans, by nature, are flawed. I am flawed, but that doesn't mean that I have to give in to society's pressure and judgement. So I've tried to wear less make-up and to not worry so much about the perfect hair-do.
Here is a very lovely experience that I had:
I was at the gym yesterday. I exercised for about an hour and then I went to shower. I stood in front of the mirror with my wet hair and make-up-free face examining myself, and I thought, "I'm just going home. Who cares if I don't wear make-up? So what if someone sees me?" I made sure I walked out of there without a smudge of make-up on. I was going to have to accept myself even if it would be hard.
I was fine as I got on the bus, thinking that no one really saw me anyway. As I stood to get off the bus, noticed a young man standing closer to the back of the bus. He gave me an interesting look, staring me straight in the face. This made me a little nervous. Once I got off the bus, I saw him there, too, walking in the same direction as me. He got my attention, saying something that I couldn't hear. Then he came closer to me and said, "I just wanted to say that you are really, really beautiful."
I was shocked. I laughed lightheartedly (as I do at pretty much everything, not because I think it's funny but for some reason that's just my immediate reaction). I smiled, told him "thank you," and that that was very nice of him. He told me to have a good day and walked away.
Now, I wish I had stopped him, asked for his name, something! I was so stunned that someone would do that. I was so stunned that, even though I wasn't wearing make-up, someone thought I am "really, really beautiful." I believe that I am beautiful, but with makeup. I don't think I'm ugly without it, but I wouldn't call myself beautiful.
That sweet, simple compliment opened my eyes. People don't see me the way that I see myself. They don't judge me as harshly as I judge me. Although I don't expect everyone to think I'm beautiful, make-up or sans make-up, this one young man made me think twice about myself. That made all the difference.
Wherever you are, guy from the 830 bus, thank you. Thank you for helping me love myself a little bit more. Thank you for being courageous enough to say something so bold. I hope that I can see you again...
I am taking that institute class, Women in the Scriptures, and honestly, it's better than church for me. Every single week, we are taught about our divine worth and potential. We study examples of faith. It has helped me realize that I am capable of more than I thought I was. I can do hard things!
I've never had a high sense of worth; my self-esteem has been pretty low for most of my life. The mission healed me of a lot of those negative feelings. I began to understand that I was like a budding flower: slowly evolving into something beautiful from a bulb that grow out of deep, fertile ground. I began to see myself as a child of God, a loved daughter.
Serving as a missionary is the basis of my commitment to the Gospel. It is my solid ground, the one thing I can look back to to prove that I am capable, that I am strong. Because I chose to do something hard, painful, selfless, and pure I know now that I am a good person.
I've been learning a lot about my self spiritually, so I'm trying to catch up on the physical and emotional aspects of who I am. I've been starting to eat really healthfully and exercising 3 times a week. I'm putting more importance on self-acceptance and self-care, rather than fitting into a impractical, societal mold. This also includes acceptance of my flaws...
Something that I struggle with is not wearing make-up in public. Society believes that a beautiful woman had long, dark eyelashes and a perfect complexion with perfect teeth, blah blah blah. No one lives up to these expectations because humans, by nature, are flawed. I am flawed, but that doesn't mean that I have to give in to society's pressure and judgement. So I've tried to wear less make-up and to not worry so much about the perfect hair-do.
Here is a very lovely experience that I had:
I was at the gym yesterday. I exercised for about an hour and then I went to shower. I stood in front of the mirror with my wet hair and make-up-free face examining myself, and I thought, "I'm just going home. Who cares if I don't wear make-up? So what if someone sees me?" I made sure I walked out of there without a smudge of make-up on. I was going to have to accept myself even if it would be hard.
I was fine as I got on the bus, thinking that no one really saw me anyway. As I stood to get off the bus, noticed a young man standing closer to the back of the bus. He gave me an interesting look, staring me straight in the face. This made me a little nervous. Once I got off the bus, I saw him there, too, walking in the same direction as me. He got my attention, saying something that I couldn't hear. Then he came closer to me and said, "I just wanted to say that you are really, really beautiful."
I was shocked. I laughed lightheartedly (as I do at pretty much everything, not because I think it's funny but for some reason that's just my immediate reaction). I smiled, told him "thank you," and that that was very nice of him. He told me to have a good day and walked away.
Now, I wish I had stopped him, asked for his name, something! I was so stunned that someone would do that. I was so stunned that, even though I wasn't wearing make-up, someone thought I am "really, really beautiful." I believe that I am beautiful, but with makeup. I don't think I'm ugly without it, but I wouldn't call myself beautiful.
That sweet, simple compliment opened my eyes. People don't see me the way that I see myself. They don't judge me as harshly as I judge me. Although I don't expect everyone to think I'm beautiful, make-up or sans make-up, this one young man made me think twice about myself. That made all the difference.
Wherever you are, guy from the 830 bus, thank you. Thank you for helping me love myself a little bit more. Thank you for being courageous enough to say something so bold. I hope that I can see you again...
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
7 Months Home & The Formula for Life
Well, it's been 7 months and 8 days since I returned home from Italy, and about 5 weeks since I moved out to Utah.
I moved out to Provo and I am studying at UVU. I love it! There is a spirit of hope and progress here. I am finally doing something a little selfish by preparing for my own future. It feels great to be studying and focusing on something important. I feel motivated more motivated here to improve my life and my health, and strengthen my faith.
The mission really changed me in that way. I really grew the desire to want to live a full life. I understand now that life is really short; we only have so much time to learn and do. I want to make my earthly experience all it can be.
(I think I've figured out the formula to a success life. It's nothing that no one hasn't thought of before. This will simply be an account of my experience.)
What it comes down to, according to me, is all the little, daily things. Something that I learned toward the end of my time as a missionary - I think I was in Vicenza - was that starting the day right and having a successful day is based on the routine that one follows. For a missionary, it's:
wake up
personal prayer & companion prayer
get ready
personal study & companion study
...then out the door we went!
Its not as well planned for returned missionaries. It's more of a personal choice.
I have realized that in order for me to have a successful day, it starts the night before. I have to:
shower
prepare for bed
pack my bag
lay out my clothing
get in bed at a reasonable hour
Also, I know that I have to end the day with a prayer or I won't sleep well (it's true, I've tested it.) In the morning, if I do not start the day with a prayer, I can't focus. I become easily aggravated and I don't accomplish the things I hoped to. I try to read or even listen to the scriptures earlier in the morning, but that doesn't always work out. If I can find a block of time in which I can find a quiet place and read, I'll read a chapter of the Book of Mormon.
I believe that I have been blessed by our Heavenly Father with a strong spiritual compass. He has helped me, so many times, realize that something was wrong. He has also planted in my mind the way that I can fix that problem. Like this week, I was getting really anxious and jittery. I was trying so hard to focus on a paper I needed to write, but I just couldn't seem to settle down. I was impressed upon by the Spirit that it was because I was lacking that peace that the Spirit's presence brings. So what could I do to gain the Spirit? Pray and read the scriptures. It was an easy solution but not always so obvious in the moment.
I'm grateful for the little ways that the Lord has guided me and helped me find peace and direction in my life. I know that I am on the right path because I feel it.
I am still trying to figure out post-mission life, but I am not so afraid anymore. I have hope in my future and faith in the Savior, and for now that's enough.
I moved out to Provo and I am studying at UVU. I love it! There is a spirit of hope and progress here. I am finally doing something a little selfish by preparing for my own future. It feels great to be studying and focusing on something important. I feel motivated more motivated here to improve my life and my health, and strengthen my faith.
The mission really changed me in that way. I really grew the desire to want to live a full life. I understand now that life is really short; we only have so much time to learn and do. I want to make my earthly experience all it can be.
(I think I've figured out the formula to a success life. It's nothing that no one hasn't thought of before. This will simply be an account of my experience.)
What it comes down to, according to me, is all the little, daily things. Something that I learned toward the end of my time as a missionary - I think I was in Vicenza - was that starting the day right and having a successful day is based on the routine that one follows. For a missionary, it's:
wake up
personal prayer & companion prayer
get ready
personal study & companion study
...then out the door we went!
Its not as well planned for returned missionaries. It's more of a personal choice.
I have realized that in order for me to have a successful day, it starts the night before. I have to:
shower
prepare for bed
pack my bag
lay out my clothing
get in bed at a reasonable hour
Also, I know that I have to end the day with a prayer or I won't sleep well (it's true, I've tested it.) In the morning, if I do not start the day with a prayer, I can't focus. I become easily aggravated and I don't accomplish the things I hoped to. I try to read or even listen to the scriptures earlier in the morning, but that doesn't always work out. If I can find a block of time in which I can find a quiet place and read, I'll read a chapter of the Book of Mormon.
I believe that I have been blessed by our Heavenly Father with a strong spiritual compass. He has helped me, so many times, realize that something was wrong. He has also planted in my mind the way that I can fix that problem. Like this week, I was getting really anxious and jittery. I was trying so hard to focus on a paper I needed to write, but I just couldn't seem to settle down. I was impressed upon by the Spirit that it was because I was lacking that peace that the Spirit's presence brings. So what could I do to gain the Spirit? Pray and read the scriptures. It was an easy solution but not always so obvious in the moment.
I'm grateful for the little ways that the Lord has guided me and helped me find peace and direction in my life. I know that I am on the right path because I feel it.
I am still trying to figure out post-mission life, but I am not so afraid anymore. I have hope in my future and faith in the Savior, and for now that's enough.
 |
| Visiting the Mission Office Dicembre 2014 |
 |
| Reunited with my best friend, Michelle |
 |
| Sorella Harward :) |
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
RM Life & Trying to Keep Up~
Well, here I am!
This is my first post since I returned home.
I got home Halloween 2014, so I've been home for about six months.
I left the mission the same way I came in, quietly. I guess, like everyone, I just expected to feel so..different. When I was released, I still felt the same. I didn't even feel the missionary mantle lift, I expected it to be more crushing. I still felt like 'missionary me', and for that I'm glad. My mom said its a sign that I was doing the right thing the whole time, like I was able to feel the same because I had really been changed. It's true.
I was a good missionary. I did my best and I know that the Lord accepts my offering; I feel that. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I was put to the test in every way possible, and I experienced many trials. I am grateful for each rejection, each heartache, and each moment of struggle. I became a true disciple of Christ. I came to know who I am through sacrifice and service.
I love and cherish every day that I wore my missionary name-tag. I wish I could still place it over my heart and wear it proudly in front of others. I wish that my full-time missionary service never had to end, but it has and now I'm home.
I'm not so good at being a normal citizen! I'm having to re-learn how to relate to others and how to overcome trials. I struggle every day with meaningful scripture study and prayer. You see, everyone talks about being an RM like it's a breeze. Everyone talks about the experience you have being a motivation. For the first few months, I just wanted to go back. Luckily, I got to visit over the Christmas break. I went back to most of my cities. I saw investigators, new converts, missionaries, and members. I love Italy with all of my heart. It will always be a part of me.
Although I've been home for a good amount of time, I still have lots to learn. Now I have to put into practice all of the things that the mission taught me. It's hard. It's always going to be hard, I guess. That's just life! However, I am grateful for each day and each opportunity for improvement.
I know that the Saviour and our Father in Heaven still love even me. They are rooting for me to do well, to succeed. I so want to make them proud.
--
I think I'll keep posting to this blog. It might be a great strength to me, to express myself and to remember my service.
I never want to forget..
This is my first post since I returned home.
I got home Halloween 2014, so I've been home for about six months.
I left the mission the same way I came in, quietly. I guess, like everyone, I just expected to feel so..different. When I was released, I still felt the same. I didn't even feel the missionary mantle lift, I expected it to be more crushing. I still felt like 'missionary me', and for that I'm glad. My mom said its a sign that I was doing the right thing the whole time, like I was able to feel the same because I had really been changed. It's true.
I was a good missionary. I did my best and I know that the Lord accepts my offering; I feel that. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I was put to the test in every way possible, and I experienced many trials. I am grateful for each rejection, each heartache, and each moment of struggle. I became a true disciple of Christ. I came to know who I am through sacrifice and service.
I love and cherish every day that I wore my missionary name-tag. I wish I could still place it over my heart and wear it proudly in front of others. I wish that my full-time missionary service never had to end, but it has and now I'm home.
I'm not so good at being a normal citizen! I'm having to re-learn how to relate to others and how to overcome trials. I struggle every day with meaningful scripture study and prayer. You see, everyone talks about being an RM like it's a breeze. Everyone talks about the experience you have being a motivation. For the first few months, I just wanted to go back. Luckily, I got to visit over the Christmas break. I went back to most of my cities. I saw investigators, new converts, missionaries, and members. I love Italy with all of my heart. It will always be a part of me.
Although I've been home for a good amount of time, I still have lots to learn. Now I have to put into practice all of the things that the mission taught me. It's hard. It's always going to be hard, I guess. That's just life! However, I am grateful for each day and each opportunity for improvement.
I know that the Saviour and our Father in Heaven still love even me. They are rooting for me to do well, to succeed. I so want to make them proud.
--
I think I'll keep posting to this blog. It might be a great strength to me, to express myself and to remember my service.
I never want to forget..
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Seventy-eight: October 29, 2014 Bologna THE FINAL POST FROM ITALIA
Here I am. My last full day in Bologna and my last P-Day. I'm in the same internet point that we always go to and yet again I'm crying. Not because I feel inadequate or because I need support to keep going. I am filled with a peace and a love and a joy that makes me feel just so happy.
I have done what I needed to do.
There is a special talk by President Eyring. In the talk he says ''it is hard to know when we have done enough to know that the Atonement has changed us."
It has taken me 18 months to know, but I am certain in my belief and right down to my soul that I have been changed for good. I am not a fence-sitter. I am firm in the faith.
Thank you so much for your support and faith in me and in the Lord. Thank you for your emails, your cheers and possible tears given on my behalf. Its been a hard time, but Ive fought the good fight, and Im so close to the finish line. I will return with honor. It's ALMOST over.
Constantly in the past week I have been receiving little confirmations from the Lord that He is pleased with me. Through the members, complete strangers, other missionaries, the scriptures, my companion, and just simply by the way I feel. I feel strong. I feel tall. I feel calm and peaceful.
I'm going to cry like a baby when I leave. I'll probably cry for a few weeks, or forever. I won't know how to be a normal person. I'll have to find myself, but the ground I'm on is solid enough that I know where to start and where to look for my guide.
I don't have much to say this week because all of the things I want to say will sound a lot better in person. 2 days. 'Im excited. I haven't felt excited until I sat down to do internet, but I'm excited. Never trunky, but I'm ready because its time.
OK so....I also don't want to get thrown back into the world right away. I went to sit at home and enjoy my family. I might want to go out to eat, or maybe just take a drive to Eagle Rock and eat some Watchung Deli sandwiches. That sounds like a good idea. I really don't know what I'll want to do. I think what I really want to do might be this...
I get to the airport and we reunite :)
We go home and I drop off my stuff
We go to the deli and get some sandwiches
We go to Eagle Rock and sit and talk
Then we go home and read the scriptures together (I might need to finish my 3rd time in Italian. I have about 140 pages left and I have to finish before I am released. So we can read in Italian.. :)
I want to sing hymns and read scriptures and talk about Jesus and the mission and I want to show you all of the weird things about me. I'll let you poke fun at my bad English and I just want to be at home.
Originally, I wanted Eva to plan for me to go out with the sister missionaries so that I could still be a missionary and preach at home, but I think I just want to be home for a little. Just relax and not feel the pressure to do anything. I want to feel the Spirit with you while I am still a missionary and have that be that.
Calm. Quiet. Us together.
It's going to be weird leaving Italy. I have lived and learned and done so much here. I am going to have a hard time making the switch. I don't really understand music or movies or internet, other than church stuff. I did, however, buy the DVD of the Lion King in Italian and since we watched a Disney movie for Christmas, I feel OK watching the Lion King after being set apart -- to practice my Italian it'll be good, too. I don't really want to listen or watch anything. Maybe the 17 Miracles movie, but piano piano (little by little) to help me ease back in.
I am so excited for this youth conference. And, I am more excited that the girls are excited for me. That makes me feel good. My biggest worry when I get home is that I'll have no one and I'll become one of those kids that just hangs around town after they've graduated high school. I know that's not true, but fear and Satan tell me its a possibility. I am glad people are looking forward to me coming home and that I can be a good example for them. I think it'll be perfect for me.
Thanks for making the doctor's appointment. I'm so ready to be fixed. Also, I REALLY want to go to the temple, really badly, can we do that fairly soon after I get home?
I want to get my hair cut and nails done as well so that I feel normal and not like such a slob ha ha. But I WILL pay for that on my own. I'll work doing something and I'll pay for that.
Also, I just remembered. Please tell Sister Newman that I loved her letter and I would've sent one back but I'll get there quicker than the letter. Tell her thank you for thinking of me.
--
Well, I cant think of anything else. This is it. I've done what I could do, and the Lord helped me do more. I feel like a good missionary. I don't doubt that anymore. I feel good about who I am, what I have done, and who I can become.
Just don't think I'm fat when I get home. I just need some time to exercise and I'll be in good shape in no time. :)
I love you sooooo much.
I love you and I cant wait to see you, kiss you, hug you, and cry over our grand victory!
We did it together. We are not only sealed by the covenant but we are sealed together by our triumph. We did it.
Never give up. Never.
Sorella Carlock
I have done what I needed to do.
There is a special talk by President Eyring. In the talk he says ''it is hard to know when we have done enough to know that the Atonement has changed us."
It has taken me 18 months to know, but I am certain in my belief and right down to my soul that I have been changed for good. I am not a fence-sitter. I am firm in the faith.
Thank you so much for your support and faith in me and in the Lord. Thank you for your emails, your cheers and possible tears given on my behalf. Its been a hard time, but Ive fought the good fight, and Im so close to the finish line. I will return with honor. It's ALMOST over.
Constantly in the past week I have been receiving little confirmations from the Lord that He is pleased with me. Through the members, complete strangers, other missionaries, the scriptures, my companion, and just simply by the way I feel. I feel strong. I feel tall. I feel calm and peaceful.
I'm going to cry like a baby when I leave. I'll probably cry for a few weeks, or forever. I won't know how to be a normal person. I'll have to find myself, but the ground I'm on is solid enough that I know where to start and where to look for my guide.
I don't have much to say this week because all of the things I want to say will sound a lot better in person. 2 days. 'Im excited. I haven't felt excited until I sat down to do internet, but I'm excited. Never trunky, but I'm ready because its time.
OK so....I also don't want to get thrown back into the world right away. I went to sit at home and enjoy my family. I might want to go out to eat, or maybe just take a drive to Eagle Rock and eat some Watchung Deli sandwiches. That sounds like a good idea. I really don't know what I'll want to do. I think what I really want to do might be this...
I get to the airport and we reunite :)
We go home and I drop off my stuff
We go to the deli and get some sandwiches
We go to Eagle Rock and sit and talk
Then we go home and read the scriptures together (I might need to finish my 3rd time in Italian. I have about 140 pages left and I have to finish before I am released. So we can read in Italian.. :)
I want to sing hymns and read scriptures and talk about Jesus and the mission and I want to show you all of the weird things about me. I'll let you poke fun at my bad English and I just want to be at home.
Originally, I wanted Eva to plan for me to go out with the sister missionaries so that I could still be a missionary and preach at home, but I think I just want to be home for a little. Just relax and not feel the pressure to do anything. I want to feel the Spirit with you while I am still a missionary and have that be that.
Calm. Quiet. Us together.
It's going to be weird leaving Italy. I have lived and learned and done so much here. I am going to have a hard time making the switch. I don't really understand music or movies or internet, other than church stuff. I did, however, buy the DVD of the Lion King in Italian and since we watched a Disney movie for Christmas, I feel OK watching the Lion King after being set apart -- to practice my Italian it'll be good, too. I don't really want to listen or watch anything. Maybe the 17 Miracles movie, but piano piano (little by little) to help me ease back in.
I am so excited for this youth conference. And, I am more excited that the girls are excited for me. That makes me feel good. My biggest worry when I get home is that I'll have no one and I'll become one of those kids that just hangs around town after they've graduated high school. I know that's not true, but fear and Satan tell me its a possibility. I am glad people are looking forward to me coming home and that I can be a good example for them. I think it'll be perfect for me.
Thanks for making the doctor's appointment. I'm so ready to be fixed. Also, I REALLY want to go to the temple, really badly, can we do that fairly soon after I get home?
I want to get my hair cut and nails done as well so that I feel normal and not like such a slob ha ha. But I WILL pay for that on my own. I'll work doing something and I'll pay for that.
Also, I just remembered. Please tell Sister Newman that I loved her letter and I would've sent one back but I'll get there quicker than the letter. Tell her thank you for thinking of me.
--
Well, I cant think of anything else. This is it. I've done what I could do, and the Lord helped me do more. I feel like a good missionary. I don't doubt that anymore. I feel good about who I am, what I have done, and who I can become.
Just don't think I'm fat when I get home. I just need some time to exercise and I'll be in good shape in no time. :)
I love you sooooo much.
I love you and I cant wait to see you, kiss you, hug you, and cry over our grand victory!
We did it together. We are not only sealed by the covenant but we are sealed together by our triumph. We did it.
Never give up. Never.
Sorella Carlock
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