Companions: Friends for Eternity

One of the many blessings that come from serving a mission is the bond that companions have. In my heart of hearts, I believe that companions are not just put together by accident. I honestly believe that our relationship as companions began before this life and is just brought to pass during our time in the mission field. I had some amazing times with each of my companions, and it was often confirmed to me that the "before-this-life friendship" was real.

I trained in my very last 2 transfers. If you read my blog while I was out in the field, then you already know about Sorella Hailey Stott. She is amazing. She's about a year into the mission and she is doing such great stuff. She is currently serving in Collegno, a small town outside of Torino of the West coast of the country. We served together in Bologna, then she was transferred to Genova (I was there from October 2013-April 2014). Now at Collegno, Sorella Stott is taking part in a lot of finding work.  That's honestly the hardest part of missionary work, if you ask me, but I have faith that she is doing all that she can.

I try to e-mail her every week. I'm not perfect at it, but I make sure I get something to her whenever I can. I sent her an e-mail this past week, it was actually a copy of an e-mail that I sent home (it's here on the blog.) I was telling my family about her and trying to "introduce" them to her. I felt that would be something nice to send to her, so I added that. I got the sweetest response:

My turn for a story....

So the other day I was talking to my district leader. I don't even remember how, but somehow we got on the subject of what makes a good missionary. He told me this story about how an Anziano in his last city said that one of the BEST missionaries he had even seen in the mission had every city closed that she served in. AND, instead of seeing it as a bad thing, she saw it for what it really was. She had done everything possible in that city and it needed to be closed....

I just started laughing at him and he was like "WHAT???" I was like, "Yeah Anziano, SORELLA CARLOCK was my trainer and she for sure is one of the best missionaries that has ever served here in Italy." :)

Everyday I am reminded just how lucky I was to have you as my teacher in those first 12 weeks. It feels like forever ago, but not a day goes by as a missionary that I dont think about something that my mamma Carlock taught me. 

You are pretty awesome, you know that? 

And I will never thank you enough for all that you have done for me :) 

I don't post this because I want people to think I was great. I needed to hear this - it was a tender mercy really. Often times, I think missionaries struggle with thinking that they have done enough. We tend to criticize ourselves and that can be really hard, even after the mission. I honestly believe that the Lord accepted my service and is proud of what I accomplished with His help. However, I needed that reminder that I was really doing what I needed to. The fact that someone else noticed a small part of my missionary attitude was really nice for me. I felt that I just walked in and out of the mission, making a difference only in my own life. It was really nice to see that I was remembered. It just feels good!

Heavenly Father has been blessing me with little reminders ever since I moved out to Utah. Every day I feel of His love and I can see His hand in my life. I'm trying to follow His guidance and do all I need to do so that I can make a difference still.

It's a long road that we are on, but with time, patience, and diligence it'll be worth every step taken in the right direction.

Beautiful

I've had some really great experiences since I've moved out to Utah.

I am taking that institute class, Women in the Scriptures, and honestly, it's better than church for me. Every single week, we are taught about our divine worth and potential. We study examples of faith. It has helped me realize that I am capable of more than I thought I was. I can do hard things!

I've never had a high sense of worth; my self-esteem has been pretty low for most of my life. The mission healed me of a lot of those negative feelings. I began to understand that I was like a budding flower: slowly evolving into something beautiful from a bulb that grow out of deep, fertile ground. I began to see myself as a child of God, a loved daughter.

Serving as a missionary is the basis of my commitment to the Gospel. It is my solid ground, the one thing I can look back to to prove that I am capable, that I am strong. Because I chose to do something hard, painful, selfless, and pure I know now that I am a good person.

I've been learning a lot about my self spiritually, so I'm trying to catch up on the physical and emotional aspects of who I am. I've been starting to eat really healthfully and exercising 3 times a week. I'm putting more importance on self-acceptance and self-care, rather than fitting into a impractical, societal mold. This also includes acceptance of my flaws...

Something that I struggle with is not wearing make-up in public. Society believes that a beautiful woman had long, dark eyelashes and a perfect complexion with perfect teeth, blah blah blah. No one lives up to these expectations because humans, by nature, are flawed. I am flawed, but that doesn't mean that I have to give in to society's pressure and judgement. So I've tried to wear less make-up and to not worry so much about the perfect hair-do.

Here is a very lovely experience that I had:
I was at the gym yesterday. I exercised for about an hour and then I went to shower. I stood in front of the mirror with my wet hair and make-up-free face examining myself, and I thought, "I'm just going home. Who cares if I don't wear make-up? So what if someone sees me?" I made sure I walked out of there without a smudge of make-up on. I was going to have to accept myself even if it would be hard.

I was fine as I got on the bus, thinking that no one really saw me anyway. As I stood to get off the bus, noticed a young man standing closer to the back of the bus. He gave me an interesting look, staring me straight in the face. This made me a little nervous. Once I got off the bus, I saw him there, too, walking in the same direction as me. He got my attention, saying something that I couldn't hear. Then he came closer to me and said, "I just wanted to say that you are really, really beautiful."

I was shocked. I laughed lightheartedly (as I do at pretty much everything, not because I think it's funny but for some reason that's just my immediate reaction). I smiled, told him "thank you," and that that was very nice of him. He told me to have a good day and walked away.

Now, I wish I had stopped him, asked for his name, something! I was so stunned that someone would do that. I was so stunned that, even though I wasn't wearing make-up, someone thought I am "really, really beautiful." I believe that I am beautiful, but with makeup. I don't think I'm ugly without it, but I wouldn't call myself beautiful.

That sweet, simple compliment opened my eyes. People don't see me the way that I see myself. They don't judge me as harshly as I judge me. Although I don't expect everyone to think I'm beautiful, make-up or sans make-up, this one young man made me think twice about myself. That made all the difference.

Wherever you are, guy from the 830 bus, thank you. Thank you for helping me love myself a little bit more. Thank you for being courageous enough to say something so bold. I hope that I can see you again...

7 Months Home & The Formula for Life

Well, it's been 7 months and 8 days since I returned home from Italy, and about 5 weeks since I moved out to Utah.

I moved out to Provo and I am studying at UVU. I love it! There is a spirit of hope and progress here. I am finally doing something a little selfish by preparing for my own future. It feels great to be studying and focusing on something important. I feel motivated more motivated here to improve my life and my health, and strengthen my faith.

The mission really changed me in that way. I really grew the desire to want to live a full life.  I understand now that life is really short; we only have so much time to learn and do. I want to make my earthly experience all it can be.

(I think I've figured out the formula to a success life. It's nothing that no one hasn't thought of before. This will simply be an account of my experience.)

What it comes down to, according to me, is all the little, daily things. Something that I learned toward the end of my time as a missionary - I think I was in Vicenza - was that starting the day right and having a successful day is based on the routine that one follows. For a missionary, it's:

wake up
personal prayer & companion prayer
get ready
personal study & companion study

...then out the door we went!

Its not as well planned for returned missionaries. It's more of a personal choice.

I have realized that in order for me to have a successful day, it starts the night before. I have to:

shower
prepare for bed
pack my bag
lay out my clothing
get in bed at a reasonable hour

Also, I know that I have to end the day with a prayer or I won't sleep well (it's true, I've tested it.) In the morning, if I do not start the day with a prayer, I can't focus. I become easily aggravated and I don't accomplish the things I hoped to. I try to read or even listen to the scriptures earlier in the morning, but that doesn't always work out. If I can find a block of time in which I can find a quiet place and read, I'll read a chapter of the Book of Mormon.

I believe that I have been blessed by our Heavenly Father with a strong spiritual compass. He has helped me, so many times, realize that something was wrong. He has also planted in my mind the way that I can fix that problem. Like this week, I was getting really anxious and jittery.  I was trying so hard to focus on a paper I needed to write, but I just couldn't seem to settle down. I was impressed upon by the Spirit that it was because I was lacking that peace that the Spirit's presence brings. So what could I do to gain the Spirit? Pray and read the scriptures. It was an easy solution but not always so obvious in the moment.

I'm grateful for the little ways that the Lord has guided me and helped me find peace and direction in my life. I know that I am on the right path because I feel it.

I am still trying to figure out post-mission life, but I am not so afraid anymore. I have hope in my future and faith in the Savior, and for now that's enough.

Visiting the Mission Office Dicembre 2014

Reunited with my best friend, Michelle

Sorella Harward :)