I am taking that institute class, Women in the Scriptures, and honestly, it's better than church for me. Every single week, we are taught about our divine worth and potential. We study examples of faith. It has helped me realize that I am capable of more than I thought I was. I can do hard things!
I've never had a high sense of worth; my self-esteem has been pretty low for most of my life. The mission healed me of a lot of those negative feelings. I began to understand that I was like a budding flower: slowly evolving into something beautiful from a bulb that grow out of deep, fertile ground. I began to see myself as a child of God, a loved daughter.
Serving as a missionary is the basis of my commitment to the Gospel. It is my solid ground, the one thing I can look back to to prove that I am capable, that I am strong. Because I chose to do something hard, painful, selfless, and pure I know now that I am a good person.
I've been learning a lot about my self spiritually, so I'm trying to catch up on the physical and emotional aspects of who I am. I've been starting to eat really healthfully and exercising 3 times a week. I'm putting more importance on self-acceptance and self-care, rather than fitting into a impractical, societal mold. This also includes acceptance of my flaws...
Something that I struggle with is not wearing make-up in public. Society believes that a beautiful woman had long, dark eyelashes and a perfect complexion with perfect teeth, blah blah blah. No one lives up to these expectations because humans, by nature, are flawed. I am flawed, but that doesn't mean that I have to give in to society's pressure and judgement. So I've tried to wear less make-up and to not worry so much about the perfect hair-do.
Here is a very lovely experience that I had:
I was at the gym yesterday. I exercised for about an hour and then I went to shower. I stood in front of the mirror with my wet hair and make-up-free face examining myself, and I thought, "I'm just going home. Who cares if I don't wear make-up? So what if someone sees me?" I made sure I walked out of there without a smudge of make-up on. I was going to have to accept myself even if it would be hard.
I was fine as I got on the bus, thinking that no one really saw me anyway. As I stood to get off the bus, noticed a young man standing closer to the back of the bus. He gave me an interesting look, staring me straight in the face. This made me a little nervous. Once I got off the bus, I saw him there, too, walking in the same direction as me. He got my attention, saying something that I couldn't hear. Then he came closer to me and said, "I just wanted to say that you are really, really beautiful."
I was shocked. I laughed lightheartedly (as I do at pretty much everything, not because I think it's funny but for some reason that's just my immediate reaction). I smiled, told him "thank you," and that that was very nice of him. He told me to have a good day and walked away.
Now, I wish I had stopped him, asked for his name, something! I was so stunned that someone would do that. I was so stunned that, even though I wasn't wearing make-up, someone thought I am "really, really beautiful." I believe that I am beautiful, but with makeup. I don't think I'm ugly without it, but I wouldn't call myself beautiful.
That sweet, simple compliment opened my eyes. People don't see me the way that I see myself. They don't judge me as harshly as I judge me. Although I don't expect everyone to think I'm beautiful, make-up or sans make-up, this one young man made me think twice about myself. That made all the difference.
Wherever you are, guy from the 830 bus, thank you. Thank you for helping me love myself a little bit more. Thank you for being courageous enough to say something so bold. I hope that I can see you again...
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