In case you're still here!

I did end up starting a new blog:

https://lifeisachoiceblog.wordpress.com

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To update you a little on my life, I am married. I have a dog now, Louie. I live in Southern Utah. I am just now finishing up my Associate's degree. I am a certified Nurse's Assistant (CNA).

Most importantly, I am still trying very hard to do as God would have me do. It's a struggle and it's been a long and winding road, but I havent given up yet. I never plan to.

So, just in case you're still here...come check out my new blog and keep tabs on me. Thank you for your kindness in reading my thoughts and being a part of my life. Even if I don't know you, I love you. Thank you.

Finding Peace v.s. Learning to Be Happy

I think this will be my last post on this blog. I feel like I want to blog, but this one is already set up for a specific purpose and I want it to stay that way. It's my mission blog. I'm not a missionary anymore, not a full-time one anyway. And I want to look back and remember this time that I've had...leaving it practically untouched.

So for my last post, I'll share some thoughts I've had recently:



I feel like most people are on their own "search for happiness" in life.  We're all seeking to figure out what that really means and if its possible.  How does one become happy? Once happiness is found, how is it maintained?

I was talking to my mom the other day. She was telling me about this conversation that she had with a co-worker. She was speaking with this woman about being happy, and this woman said something very profound and doctrinally correct. She said something along the lines of  "Happiness is temporary. Sometimes life is hard and you can't really be happy in those moments. Peace, though, is everlasting. So don't search to be happy. Search to have peace."

It's so true. Sometimes we just can't be happy! Sometimes there seems to be no hope or our daily lives are filled with trial and difficulty.  I don't know about you, but I'm still trying to learn to be happy during my trials, haha. So searching for peace is so much more important; peace in your success, peace in your growth, peace in your future and in your past. Peace comes from God. When He is pleased with us, we can feel of the love that He has for us. We can feel His presence in our lives.

So, as I try to move on to a more full chapter of my life - a better way of living - I'm going to try to remind myself that I am living each day to find an everlasting peace. That means that, no, I won't always be happy. However, I can be pleased with my commitment to live deliberately and become who I am meant to be.

For whoever is out there that might be reading, know that you are a powerful child of God. You are loved. You are watched over. You are special simply because you are you and no one else. That is good enough for God, let it be good enough for you.

Remember who you are (there is my cheesy sign-off line for the blog)

-Zoë

Another Update

Well it's been, what, a month? It's probably time for another post...

A few really great things have happened in this past month. Let's do some re-cap. I got a calling in my church ward. I am a co-coordinator for Family Home Evening. Incase you don't know, Family Home Evening is an activity held weekly as a way to keep families or loved ones involved in each other's lives. Sometimes a religious lesson is prepared, but it's really just a way to get together during the week. So, my calling is to organize the activities that happen weekly. It's a fairly big responsibility, but I have done it before and I am excited to stay connected with the ward that I am in.

The other thing that has happened is that I started a new job this week. I work at the Testing Center at UVU. I love it. I think it's such a great opportunity for me. It'll give me an opportunity to improve and be more responsible. I need that!

There isn't anything else to add, re-cap/events-wise. I have learned a lot about myself and how I need to structure my life. I am trying to learn how to be successful, which seemed really easy at first. As a missionary it was so easy to follow the schedule..or at least understand why I needed to. After I got it down, it was easy...I guess I kind of just solved my own dilemma: things take time. But I thought that because I already learned how to manage my time and plan out my days on the mission that it would be just as simple once I got home. It isn't. It's still a process. I'm willing to learn though and I guess that's really all that matters. I just need to keep trying.

When it comes down to it, life is really just one day on repeat. Maybe things change, new things come into play, other things leave. It just keeps going: wake up, pray, eat, work, study, friends, get ready for bed, pray, sleep, repeat. So if that's all it really is, why isn't planning it out easier?

I don't know. I guess I don't have any great revelation to share this time. I wish I did, because then I could give that same advice to myself ha! Oh well, life is a process.  It's about learning and improving and to giving up. If I can just keep on, each day, I should be fine, right?

Companions: Friends for Eternity

One of the many blessings that come from serving a mission is the bond that companions have. In my heart of hearts, I believe that companions are not just put together by accident. I honestly believe that our relationship as companions began before this life and is just brought to pass during our time in the mission field. I had some amazing times with each of my companions, and it was often confirmed to me that the "before-this-life friendship" was real.

I trained in my very last 2 transfers. If you read my blog while I was out in the field, then you already know about Sorella Hailey Stott. She is amazing. She's about a year into the mission and she is doing such great stuff. She is currently serving in Collegno, a small town outside of Torino of the West coast of the country. We served together in Bologna, then she was transferred to Genova (I was there from October 2013-April 2014). Now at Collegno, Sorella Stott is taking part in a lot of finding work.  That's honestly the hardest part of missionary work, if you ask me, but I have faith that she is doing all that she can.

I try to e-mail her every week. I'm not perfect at it, but I make sure I get something to her whenever I can. I sent her an e-mail this past week, it was actually a copy of an e-mail that I sent home (it's here on the blog.) I was telling my family about her and trying to "introduce" them to her. I felt that would be something nice to send to her, so I added that. I got the sweetest response:

My turn for a story....

So the other day I was talking to my district leader. I don't even remember how, but somehow we got on the subject of what makes a good missionary. He told me this story about how an Anziano in his last city said that one of the BEST missionaries he had even seen in the mission had every city closed that she served in. AND, instead of seeing it as a bad thing, she saw it for what it really was. She had done everything possible in that city and it needed to be closed....

I just started laughing at him and he was like "WHAT???" I was like, "Yeah Anziano, SORELLA CARLOCK was my trainer and she for sure is one of the best missionaries that has ever served here in Italy." :)

Everyday I am reminded just how lucky I was to have you as my teacher in those first 12 weeks. It feels like forever ago, but not a day goes by as a missionary that I dont think about something that my mamma Carlock taught me. 

You are pretty awesome, you know that? 

And I will never thank you enough for all that you have done for me :) 

I don't post this because I want people to think I was great. I needed to hear this - it was a tender mercy really. Often times, I think missionaries struggle with thinking that they have done enough. We tend to criticize ourselves and that can be really hard, even after the mission. I honestly believe that the Lord accepted my service and is proud of what I accomplished with His help. However, I needed that reminder that I was really doing what I needed to. The fact that someone else noticed a small part of my missionary attitude was really nice for me. I felt that I just walked in and out of the mission, making a difference only in my own life. It was really nice to see that I was remembered. It just feels good!

Heavenly Father has been blessing me with little reminders ever since I moved out to Utah. Every day I feel of His love and I can see His hand in my life. I'm trying to follow His guidance and do all I need to do so that I can make a difference still.

It's a long road that we are on, but with time, patience, and diligence it'll be worth every step taken in the right direction.

Beautiful

I've had some really great experiences since I've moved out to Utah.

I am taking that institute class, Women in the Scriptures, and honestly, it's better than church for me. Every single week, we are taught about our divine worth and potential. We study examples of faith. It has helped me realize that I am capable of more than I thought I was. I can do hard things!

I've never had a high sense of worth; my self-esteem has been pretty low for most of my life. The mission healed me of a lot of those negative feelings. I began to understand that I was like a budding flower: slowly evolving into something beautiful from a bulb that grow out of deep, fertile ground. I began to see myself as a child of God, a loved daughter.

Serving as a missionary is the basis of my commitment to the Gospel. It is my solid ground, the one thing I can look back to to prove that I am capable, that I am strong. Because I chose to do something hard, painful, selfless, and pure I know now that I am a good person.

I've been learning a lot about my self spiritually, so I'm trying to catch up on the physical and emotional aspects of who I am. I've been starting to eat really healthfully and exercising 3 times a week. I'm putting more importance on self-acceptance and self-care, rather than fitting into a impractical, societal mold. This also includes acceptance of my flaws...

Something that I struggle with is not wearing make-up in public. Society believes that a beautiful woman had long, dark eyelashes and a perfect complexion with perfect teeth, blah blah blah. No one lives up to these expectations because humans, by nature, are flawed. I am flawed, but that doesn't mean that I have to give in to society's pressure and judgement. So I've tried to wear less make-up and to not worry so much about the perfect hair-do.

Here is a very lovely experience that I had:
I was at the gym yesterday. I exercised for about an hour and then I went to shower. I stood in front of the mirror with my wet hair and make-up-free face examining myself, and I thought, "I'm just going home. Who cares if I don't wear make-up? So what if someone sees me?" I made sure I walked out of there without a smudge of make-up on. I was going to have to accept myself even if it would be hard.

I was fine as I got on the bus, thinking that no one really saw me anyway. As I stood to get off the bus, noticed a young man standing closer to the back of the bus. He gave me an interesting look, staring me straight in the face. This made me a little nervous. Once I got off the bus, I saw him there, too, walking in the same direction as me. He got my attention, saying something that I couldn't hear. Then he came closer to me and said, "I just wanted to say that you are really, really beautiful."

I was shocked. I laughed lightheartedly (as I do at pretty much everything, not because I think it's funny but for some reason that's just my immediate reaction). I smiled, told him "thank you," and that that was very nice of him. He told me to have a good day and walked away.

Now, I wish I had stopped him, asked for his name, something! I was so stunned that someone would do that. I was so stunned that, even though I wasn't wearing make-up, someone thought I am "really, really beautiful." I believe that I am beautiful, but with makeup. I don't think I'm ugly without it, but I wouldn't call myself beautiful.

That sweet, simple compliment opened my eyes. People don't see me the way that I see myself. They don't judge me as harshly as I judge me. Although I don't expect everyone to think I'm beautiful, make-up or sans make-up, this one young man made me think twice about myself. That made all the difference.

Wherever you are, guy from the 830 bus, thank you. Thank you for helping me love myself a little bit more. Thank you for being courageous enough to say something so bold. I hope that I can see you again...

7 Months Home & The Formula for Life

Well, it's been 7 months and 8 days since I returned home from Italy, and about 5 weeks since I moved out to Utah.

I moved out to Provo and I am studying at UVU. I love it! There is a spirit of hope and progress here. I am finally doing something a little selfish by preparing for my own future. It feels great to be studying and focusing on something important. I feel motivated more motivated here to improve my life and my health, and strengthen my faith.

The mission really changed me in that way. I really grew the desire to want to live a full life.  I understand now that life is really short; we only have so much time to learn and do. I want to make my earthly experience all it can be.

(I think I've figured out the formula to a success life. It's nothing that no one hasn't thought of before. This will simply be an account of my experience.)

What it comes down to, according to me, is all the little, daily things. Something that I learned toward the end of my time as a missionary - I think I was in Vicenza - was that starting the day right and having a successful day is based on the routine that one follows. For a missionary, it's:

wake up
personal prayer & companion prayer
get ready
personal study & companion study

...then out the door we went!

Its not as well planned for returned missionaries. It's more of a personal choice.

I have realized that in order for me to have a successful day, it starts the night before. I have to:

shower
prepare for bed
pack my bag
lay out my clothing
get in bed at a reasonable hour

Also, I know that I have to end the day with a prayer or I won't sleep well (it's true, I've tested it.) In the morning, if I do not start the day with a prayer, I can't focus. I become easily aggravated and I don't accomplish the things I hoped to. I try to read or even listen to the scriptures earlier in the morning, but that doesn't always work out. If I can find a block of time in which I can find a quiet place and read, I'll read a chapter of the Book of Mormon.

I believe that I have been blessed by our Heavenly Father with a strong spiritual compass. He has helped me, so many times, realize that something was wrong. He has also planted in my mind the way that I can fix that problem. Like this week, I was getting really anxious and jittery.  I was trying so hard to focus on a paper I needed to write, but I just couldn't seem to settle down. I was impressed upon by the Spirit that it was because I was lacking that peace that the Spirit's presence brings. So what could I do to gain the Spirit? Pray and read the scriptures. It was an easy solution but not always so obvious in the moment.

I'm grateful for the little ways that the Lord has guided me and helped me find peace and direction in my life. I know that I am on the right path because I feel it.

I am still trying to figure out post-mission life, but I am not so afraid anymore. I have hope in my future and faith in the Savior, and for now that's enough.

Visiting the Mission Office Dicembre 2014

Reunited with my best friend, Michelle

Sorella Harward :)

RM Life & Trying to Keep Up~

Well, here I am!
This is my first post since I returned home.

I got home Halloween 2014, so I've been home for about six months.  

I left the mission the same way I came in, quietly.  I guess, like everyone, I just expected to feel so..different.  When I was released, I still felt the same.  I didn't even feel the missionary mantle lift, I expected it to be more crushing.  I still felt like 'missionary me', and for that I'm glad.  My mom said its a sign that I was doing the right thing the whole time, like I was able to feel the same because I had really been changed.  It's true.

I was a good missionary.  I did my best and I know that the Lord accepts my offering; I feel that. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I was put to the test in every way possible, and I experienced many trials. I am grateful for each rejection, each heartache, and each moment of struggle.  I became a true disciple of Christ. I came to know who I am through sacrifice and service.

I love and cherish every day that I wore my missionary name-tag. I wish I could still place it over my heart and wear it proudly in front of others. I wish that my full-time missionary service never had to end, but it has and now I'm home.

I'm not so good at being a normal citizen! I'm having to re-learn how to relate to others and how to overcome trials. I struggle every day with meaningful scripture study and prayer.  You see, everyone talks about being an RM like it's a breeze.  Everyone talks about the experience you have being a motivation.  For the first few months, I just wanted to go back.  Luckily, I got to visit over the Christmas break.  I went back to most of my cities.  I saw investigators, new converts, missionaries, and members.  I love Italy with all of my heart. It will always be a part of me.

Although I've been home for a good amount of time, I still have lots to learn.  Now I have to put into practice all of the things that the mission taught me.  It's hard. It's always going to be hard, I guess.  That's just life! However, I am grateful for each day and each opportunity for improvement.

I know that the Saviour and our Father in Heaven still love even me.  They are rooting for me to do well, to succeed.  I so want to make them proud.

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I think I'll keep posting to this blog. It might be a great strength to me, to express myself and to remember my service.

I never want to forget..