Here I am. My last full day in Bologna and my last P-Day. I'm in the same internet point that we always go to and yet again I'm crying. Not because I feel inadequate or because I need support to keep going. I am filled with a peace and a love and a joy that makes me feel just so happy.
I have done what I needed to do.
There is a special talk by President Eyring. In the talk he says ''it is hard to know when we have done enough to know that the Atonement has changed us."
It has taken me 18 months to know, but I am certain in my belief and right down to my soul that I have been changed for good. I am not a fence-sitter. I am firm in the faith.
Thank you so much for your support and faith in me and in the Lord. Thank you for your emails, your cheers and possible tears given on my behalf. Its been a hard time, but Ive fought the good fight, and Im so close to the finish line. I will return with honor. It's ALMOST over.
Constantly in the past week I have been receiving little confirmations from the Lord that He is pleased with me. Through the members, complete strangers, other missionaries, the scriptures, my companion, and just simply by the way I feel. I feel strong. I feel tall. I feel calm and peaceful.
I'm going to cry like a baby when I leave. I'll probably cry for a few weeks, or forever. I won't know how to be a normal person. I'll have to find myself, but the ground I'm on is solid enough that I know where to start and where to look for my guide.
I don't have much to say this week because all of the things I want to say will sound a lot better in person. 2 days. 'Im excited. I haven't felt excited until I sat down to do internet, but I'm excited. Never trunky, but I'm ready because its time.
OK so....I also don't want to get thrown back into the world right away. I went to sit at home and enjoy my family. I might want to go out to eat, or maybe just take a drive to Eagle Rock and eat some Watchung Deli sandwiches. That sounds like a good idea. I really don't know what I'll want to do. I think what I really want to do might be this...
I get to the airport and we reunite :)
We go home and I drop off my stuff
We go to the deli and get some sandwiches
We go to Eagle Rock and sit and talk
Then we go home and read the scriptures together (I might need to finish my 3rd time in Italian. I have about 140 pages left and I have to finish before I am released. So we can read in Italian.. :)
I want to sing hymns and read scriptures and talk about Jesus and the mission and I want to show you all of the weird things about me. I'll let you poke fun at my bad English and I just want to be at home.
Originally, I wanted Eva to plan for me to go out with the sister missionaries so that I could still be a missionary and preach at home, but I think I just want to be home for a little. Just relax and not feel the pressure to do anything. I want to feel the Spirit with you while I am still a missionary and have that be that.
Calm. Quiet. Us together.
It's going to be weird leaving Italy. I have lived and learned and done so much here. I am going to have a hard time making the switch. I don't really understand music or movies or internet, other than church stuff. I did, however, buy the DVD of the Lion King in Italian and since we watched a Disney movie for Christmas, I feel OK watching the Lion King after being set apart -- to practice my Italian it'll be good, too. I don't really want to listen or watch anything. Maybe the 17 Miracles movie, but piano piano (little by little) to help me ease back in.
I am so excited for this youth conference. And, I am more excited that the girls are excited for me. That makes me feel good. My biggest worry when I get home is that I'll have no one and I'll become one of those kids that just hangs around town after they've graduated high school. I know that's not true, but fear and Satan tell me its a possibility. I am glad people are looking forward to me coming home and that I can be a good example for them. I think it'll be perfect for me.
Thanks for making the doctor's appointment. I'm so ready to be fixed. Also, I REALLY want to go to the temple, really badly, can we do that fairly soon after I get home?
I want to get my hair cut and nails done as well so that I feel normal and not like such a slob ha ha. But I WILL pay for that on my own. I'll work doing something and I'll pay for that.
Also, I just remembered. Please tell Sister Newman that I loved her letter and I would've sent one back but I'll get there quicker than the letter. Tell her thank you for thinking of me.
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Well, I cant think of anything else. This is it. I've done what I could do, and the Lord helped me do more. I feel like a good missionary. I don't doubt that anymore. I feel good about who I am, what I have done, and who I can become.
Just don't think I'm fat when I get home. I just need some time to exercise and I'll be in good shape in no time. :)
I love you sooooo much.
I love you and I cant wait to see you, kiss you, hug you, and cry over our grand victory!
We did it together. We are not only sealed by the covenant but we are sealed together by our triumph. We did it.
Never give up. Never.
Sorella Carlock
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